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09-16-2009, 03:15 AM
Would you buy my health kits? I've got a few ideas but it's still in the works.
The Urban Kit would have a bracelet that you can program to your iPod or crackberry. It would monitor your ht/wt/alcohol intake and calculate what time you have to stop drinking martinis to be up by 7am. It could awaken you at certain intervals to drink water and would come with a few colored condoms and a standardized drug test, in case you want to test your partner for being higher than a kite. Suburban Kit highly recommended.
The Suburban Kit would be geared mostly toward women. But men could partake as well. It would have a vaginal and urine dip stick to test for hormone levels (I'm Ready, Be Tender, Don't You ****ing Touch Me) Testing ovulation, pregnancy, and vaginal yeast infections. Pink ribbed condoms and some of that new exciting lube included.
The Redneck Kit would be mostly a breathalyzer or a piss test for drugs. If you can't read the directions, go directly to jail or call your parole officer. If you can't piss in the cup, use the enclosed blanket to take a nap, wherever you are. Handiwipes included for the clean-up next day.
The Old Geezer Kit (probably needs a new name) would be a single urine dip stick that tests for glucose, ketones, blood and bacteria. Partner-guided prostate gland check directions included *with silicone glove, latex free!*. For an extra few dollars I can include the dipstick that looks at testosterone levels, which is an indicator of virility. You may skip the whole episode and go directly to the Viagra or Cialis if desired. Read the warning black box labels first, please.
The Urban Kit would have a bracelet that you can program to your iPod or crackberry. It would monitor your ht/wt/alcohol intake and calculate what time you have to stop drinking martinis to be up by 7am. It could awaken you at certain intervals to drink water and would come with a few colored condoms and a standardized drug test, in case you want to test your partner for being higher than a kite. Suburban Kit highly recommended.
The Suburban Kit would be geared mostly toward women. But men could partake as well. It would have a vaginal and urine dip stick to test for hormone levels (I'm Ready, Be Tender, Don't You ****ing Touch Me) Testing ovulation, pregnancy, and vaginal yeast infections. Pink ribbed condoms and some of that new exciting lube included.
The Redneck Kit would be mostly a breathalyzer or a piss test for drugs. If you can't read the directions, go directly to jail or call your parole officer. If you can't piss in the cup, use the enclosed blanket to take a nap, wherever you are. Handiwipes included for the clean-up next day.
The Old Geezer Kit (probably needs a new name) would be a single urine dip stick that tests for glucose, ketones, blood and bacteria. Partner-guided prostate gland check directions included *with silicone glove, latex free!*. For an extra few dollars I can include the dipstick that looks at testosterone levels, which is an indicator of virility. You may skip the whole episode and go directly to the Viagra or Cialis if desired. Read the warning black box labels first, please.